14: Closure & New Beginnings: Am I Delusional?! Part 2
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Closure & New Beginnings: Am I Delusional?! Part 2
When something ends quicker than you expected, how do you handle it? What actions do you take to prevent these patterns repeating themselves? How do you release the trauma so it doesn’t impact you in the future?
In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast - a follow up to the "Am I Delusional?!" episode that was released two weeks ago - I’m giving you an insight into the coaching session I had after a recent dating experience came to an end quicker than I expected it to. I’m taking you behind the scenes of the trauma work we did together, how I got closure for myself and discoveries I made about myself thanks to this experience.
Tune in now to hear:
1. Personal Healing Session: I discuss my session with Marie Houlden, a mindset coach and energy healer, who uses various modalities like breathwork, EFT, hypnosis, and trauma-informed techniques. For more on her work, go here*.
2. Emotional Turmoil: I openly share my emotional rollercoaster, including feelings of confusion, self-doubt, anger, and hurt after the breakup.
3. Seeking Closure: Find out whether I sent a final message to get closure or whether I chose to leave things with the first, angry message I sent him.
4. Reconnecting with Myself: Learn about the transformative, energy clearing technique that helps me gain clarity around what to do, release any past trauma and allows me to heal my heart.
5. Reflection on the Situation: I reflect on the dating experience and my emotional needs, as well as the fear of jumping into a full-blown commitment at this point in my life.
6. Moving Forward: I discuss what I did to further cement the closure for myself and how I'm open to new dating experiences, reaffirming my sense of self and purpose.
Join me on this journey of healing and self-discovery, demonstrating how moments of emotional turmoil can lead to growth and transformation.
How I Processed Being Blindsided in Dating and What I Learned About Myself
Dating in your 30s can feel like a minefield sometimes. You think you know what you want, you meet someone who seems great, and then… boom. You get blindsided. That’s exactly what happened to me recently, and I want to share how I processed it, what I learned, and how I shifted my perspective. If you’ve ever felt rejected, confused, or frustrated after dating someone, this one’s for you.
The Situation: Feeling Blindsided After Dating
So, as I explained at the end of this episode, I was having a session with my mindset coach and energy healer, Marie, to help me process all of the shit that came to the surface from dating this guy that I really liked.
We had that session on a Tuesday. I suppose I should explain why I booked it in the first place. I got a message from him on a Wednesday that shook me up. By Friday, I’d booked the session for the following Tuesday. When I booked it, I was in a really low headspace—I was just feeling all the feelings around the situation. I knew that by Tuesday, I’d likely feel much better, but I wanted to brain dump everything before the session. That way, even if I forgot how I felt by the time we spoke, Marie could remind me and help me process it fully.
Here’s exactly what I told her about how I was feeling after four dates with a fifth planned, only to get a lengthy message from him explaining he didn’t think we should keep seeing each other:
I felt like a complete and utter moron. I’d gotten excited, told my family and friends, and it felt too good to be true.
History had repeated itself. I get fed all the stuff I want to hear, get my hopes up, and then someone rips the rug out from under me. (I wasn’t expecting love and marriage, just looking forward to seeing where it went.)
I couldn’t trust myself. How could I not have seen this coming?
Confused as fuck. Really disappointed.
Frustrated at myself for having such a big reaction to someone I’d only known for three weeks.
Hurt, rejected, discarded.
Was I living in a delusional world? There were red flags I’d missed.
Angry that he decided how I’d perceive things in the future and made a decision on my behalf—my power felt taken away.
I also felt like I’d dodged a bullet and that this was happening for a good reason… but it still sucked.
On top of that, he hadn’t even read my response, which left me feeling disrespected and questioning my judgment. I knew I needed to process it all properly—I didn’t want it stuck in my body or setting me back years.
The Coaching Session: Unpacking My Feelings
The session with Marie was scheduled for 1:30 PM and was supposed to last an hour and a half—but it ended up being nearly two hours. I explained everything: the whole story, what happened on the fourth date, and our conversations about exclusivity.
Here’s the thing—he hadn’t said we were exclusive, only that he wasn’t going to date anyone else. I hadn’t said I would either. In my mind, that wasn’t exclusivity; it was just a mutual choice not to date anyone else.
We talked for a long time, and during the conversation, a few realizations came to light. One of the biggest was that I didn’t actually want a full-blown committed relationship at that point. When Marie asked what I would have done if he asked me to be his girlfriend, I realised I would have freaked out.
I’ve just started dating again. I don’t want a full-blown, committed relationship right now. Part of me is terrified of commitment, and part of me remembers spending the majority of my twenties consumed with someone else, planning life around them, compromising, crying over them. I don’t want that for the start of my 30s.
Understanding My Dating Patterns
I realised my relationship ended when I was 28, just before I turned 29. Since then, I’ve been single, but I needed a few years to heal from the past. I didn’t want to jump straight into a “forever” relationship. Yes, I’m open to dating, open to meeting someone, but the thought of committing to someone for 50 years—assuming I live to 80 or 90—felt intense, claustrophobic, and a bit panicky.
What I really wanted was something lighter: continuing the fun dates, deepening intimacy, but without the pressure of labels or a full-blown relationship. I wanted to enjoy my 30s, at least the beginning of them, and experience dating in a way that felt fun and freeing rather than consuming.
Examining the Stories I Told Myself
During the session, we also talked about the message he sent and what I was telling myself it meant. I realised I’d created three specific stories:
He’s self-sabotaging. My gut said he felt the same way I did—freaked out by his feelings and his attraction—and that he was sabotaging the situation.
He’s disgusted by my personal stories. I’d shared intimate details about my life, and my mind told me he must have changed his opinion of me based on that.
He’s just a fuckboy. I ignored red flags, and I was an idiot for not seeing what was in front of me.
Marie reminded me that none of these stories were actually about me. They were all about him—his perception, his behaviour, his past patterns. That was a huge shift in perspective.
The Trauma Work: Processing the Pain
Before doing breathwork, we did some trauma work. I had to close my eyes, take deep breaths, and focus on my body and where the pain was. This time, I felt intense pain behind my eyes—something I hadn’t experienced before in similar sessions.
All I could think of was the word blind. I felt blindsided. That was the only word that came to mind. And acknowledging that feeling allowed me to process it in a safe, supportive space.
What I Learned About Myself
This session taught me several things:
I don’t need a label or a traditional relationship to enjoy dating. Fun, intimacy, and connection can exist without the stress of commitment.
My feelings of hurt and disappointment are valid, but they don’t define me or my worth.
The stories I tell myself about why someone left are often reflections of their behaviour, not mine.
Getting Closure: Reclaiming My Voice
After the trauma work came the breathwork. Before we started, I set my intention for the session: Do I send a closure message or not? What do I need to know? I wanted certainty, a definitive answer.
As I went through the breathwork, breathing deeply, something shifted. I received a clear message: send the message. But there was a catch, I also had to do a cord-cutting meditation afterward. If you’ve never done one, it’s basically a way to sever energetic ties with someone, a symbolic way of freeing yourself from lingering attachment.
I left the session feeling incredible, like I’d floated to a completely different world. I spoke to Marie afterward, asking her for any additional guidance. She confirmed what I’d already been told in the session - after sending the message, the cord-cutting meditation would be key. I laughed because it was the exact guidance I’d received during breathwork.
By the time I was ready to send the message, I’d already drafted it in my notes app the night before (insomnia and a restless mind will do that to you). But I spent some time refining it so it felt authentic, honest, and unapologetically me. It included things I genuinely felt were important to express:
Thanking him for showing me that dating can be fun
Acknowledging that he’d helped me figure out what I actually want
Letting him know that I think he’s genuinely awesome
These weren’t just niceties. They were necessary for me to finally use my voice and express my feelings. And here’s the thing, it wasn’t about whether he read it or responded. It was about me, and reclaiming closure on my terms.
This was the first time I’d ever truly had closure in a blindsided situation. In past relationships, closure came when I decided to end things, but this was different. I didn’t get blindsided and left hanging; I got to speak my truth, release my emotions, and reclaim my energy. Sending that message allowed me to process not just this situation, but also some of the lingering feelings from past relationships.
Closure, I learned, isn’t about their reaction. It’s about your voice, your release, and your peace.
Moving Forward: How I’m Approaching Dating Now
After processing the situation with Marie, I feel much more neutral. I understand what I actually want right now - fun, intimacy, and connection without feeling trapped by a commitment I’m not ready for.
I also recognise my patterns in dating: overthinking, worrying about what someone else thinks, and assuming the worst. Now, I can approach dating with more self-awareness and less fear, knowing that my feelings are valid and that I have the tools to process them.
Why Processing Your Dating Experiences Matters
If you’ve ever been blindsided, ignored, or left confused in dating, it’s easy to take it personally. But your feelings don’t have to control your world. Processing your emotions - whether through coaching, energy work, or journaling - can help you:
Release lingering hurt and disappointment
Understand your relationship patterns
Reconnect with what you truly want in dating
Avoid projecting assumptions onto someone else’s actions
Conclusion: Dating Doesn’t Have to Define You
Dating in your 30s comes with its challenges, especially if you’ve been hurt or blindsided before. But it’s also an opportunity to learn about yourself, what you want, and how you handle disappointment.
For me, being blindsided by someone I liked deeply was painful, but it also clarified what I want in this stage of my life. I’m not ready for a full-blown relationship, and that’s ok. I can still enjoy dating, intimacy, and connection without the stress of labels or commitments that don’t feel right.
The key takeaway? Your experiences in dating are valid, your feelings matter, and the stories you tell yourself about rejection are not always the truth. Often, they’re just reflections of someone else’s patterns, and that’s liberating.
Send me your dating dilemma
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Send me your dating dilemma 〰️
You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.
About Your Host
Rebecca Hawkes (you can call her Becka) is the host of The Date with Confidence Podcast, your go-to show if you’re tired of dating drama and ready to raise your standards without losing your mind (or your sense of humour).
After being blindsided by a breakup at 29, Becka turned her “WTF is happening with my life” moment into a journey of self-growth, self-worth, and a mission to help other 30-somethings stop settling. Now, she shares how to date with confidence, trust your intuition, and attract the kind of love that actually feels good.
Becka isn’t here for generic dating advice, she’s here to bring you the real, raw, and funny truths about modern dating. Expect practical tools, mindset shifts, and the occasional rant that’ll leave you feeling like you’ve just had wine with your best mate.
Want more? Sign up for her BTS with Becka newsletter here.
