04: Were They Really Your Best Friend? 6 Signs Your Ex Wasn’t ‘The One’
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Were They Really Your Best Friend? 6 Signs Your Ex Wasn’t ‘The One’
I’ve been in 5 relationships since I was 17. One fizzled out after two years, one was destined to be temporary, one ended in a screaming match and me moving to another island, and two ended in catastrophic heartbreak.
They were unexpected and shook me to my core.
After both of these breakups, I kept repeating the same thing to myself “But he was my best friend”. I felt like I’d lost more than just a lover and if you feel the same, you should listen to this.
In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast we’re exploring the question: were they really your best friend? I’m also sharing 6 signs your ex wasn’t ‘The One’. My hope for you is that after listening to this episode, you’ll feel stronger, more empowered and ready to move on from the one(s) who didn’t deserve you.
Were They Really Your Best Friend?
After my biggest, world shattering, unexpected breakup, I was devastated. And all I kept thinking was “but he was my best friend”. We’d travelled the world together, we’d had incredible experiences together, we’d been living together for 6 years (one of those before we were officially a couple) and we’d had a lot of rough experiences too.
At the time, he was who I (thought I) was most myself around. And I considered him my best friend.
But it wasn’t until I was moving through the breakup processing phase and the rose tinted glasses started to lift, that I realised best friends don't treat you that way.
Best friends are supposed to support you no matter what
Supposed to cheer you on, encourage you, respect you, be mindful of your needs. Yet so many of us are in relationships or have now exited relationships where we have this belief that they were our best friend - which impacts our ability to move on and leaves us in a state of grief for a longer period of time.
Now, I’m not talking about the relationships that fizzle out or the ones where you grow apart over the years or the ones where you do become more like friends than lovers. I’m talking about the toxic relationships where you weren’t necessarily treated as you deserved to be and also where you perhaps didn’t treat them in the way that they deserved to be treated.
I’m talking about the catastrophic type breakups that shake you to your core. The shock ones, the ones you didn’t see coming, the ones where they perhaps cheated on you or disrespected you. The life altering, can’t function, can’t get out of bed breakups.
But when you think about it, and this is what really helped me to start to move on from my last breakup, were they really, truly your best friend?
Best friends don’t gaslight you.
Best friends don’t put you down. Best friends don’t abandon you to party with strangers. Best friends don’t ignore your needs. Best friends don’t live a life behind your back. Best friends don’t make you feel guilty or ashamed when you express your feelings or needs.
Best friends give as much to the relationship as they take.
So perhaps ponder on that and ask yourself, were they really my best friend?
This made moving on feel that bit easier
And for me, when I came to this understanding, instead of being in that reflecting with fondness and a feeling of loss space, I was able to feel more empowered and recognise that they weren’t the one. That that wasn’t the relationship that I deserved to have for the rest of my life. That we weren’t, in fact, soulmates.
And this really, however hard it was to acknowledge, it really helped to move on. Because in the moments where I started to fall into the pit of despair, of sadness that my life wasn’t gonna be what I thought was, I was able to remind myself of all the reasons that we shouldn’t have been together and all the positives surrounding the breakup.
Which, was obviously really hard because I thought they were the one.
But ultimately, I was able to instead reflect on all the times I’d had my feelings hurt, I’d been disrespected, I’d been treated poorly. And that helped. Even though there was then the inevitable feelings of shame around “how could I let myself be treated this way?”.
But that’s a whole other ballgame…..
6 Signs Your Ex Wasn’t ‘The One’
Forget the daydreaming. Forget the romanticising through rose tinted glasses. Forget feeling like they were your one chance at love.
It’s time for you to move into a more empowered state where you can shift into acceptance of the situation. To help you do that, I’m sharing 6 Signs Your Ex Wasn’t the Love of Your Life.
1. The effort was all one-sided
If you felt like you were the one putting in all the effort - for example: arranging date nights, doing the shopping, scheduling time to see each other - then they were not the one. You deserve someone who is equally as invested in the relationship and in the life you want to create together.
You deserve to feel special, to have someone who wants to take you out and who puts in as much effort into the relationship as you do.
2. The trust wasn’t there
Whether you didn’t trust them or they didn’t trust you, or a combination of both, if your relationship lacked a foundation of trust, it wasn’t the right relationship. This is something we talk about in episode 1 of The Date with Confidence Podcast - How to Know if You're in the Wrong Relationship. When you’re spending your days or nights worrying about what your partner is getting up to behind your back, it’s not healthy.
You deserve to be with someone who you trust unconditionally and who has that same level of trust for you.
3. There was a lack of communication
Communication is arguably the most important part of a relationship. If you couldn’t communicate your needs without being fearful of the response, you weren’t in a safe, healthy relationship. And this is something that I had to learn from one of my best friends because I had always been in relationships where I couldn’t openly share my feelings without it being turned back on me or without being made to feel ashamed, or guilty, or wrong for being honest. And I just assumed that was normal. But it’s not.
And it’s not just the big things that you should be able to communicate. Open, honest and regular communication is what’ll bring you closer to your partner so if they’re not responding to you or disappearing for days or not even making the effort to sit and have a conversation with you at the end of the day, for example, they are not the one.
You deserve to be in a relationship where communication is healthy, open and honest.
4. They disrespected you
Your ex wasn’t the one if they regularly disrespected you. Now, everyone makes mistakes, everyone messes up at times, but if disrespecting you became a regular occurrence, they were not the one. Some examples of disrespecting you could be messaging other people in a flirty way, ignoring you when you’ve explained that something they do is hurtful, staying out all night without letting you know in advance or letting you know where they are and even more subtle things like the way they talk about you or to you in public.
You deserve to be respected.
5. You were always the one compromising
Compromise is a natural part of a relationship. There’ll always be moments where you might have different viewpoints, different ideas or different ways of how you want to handle things or what you want to do next. And it’s fine to compromise your plans or needs temporarily but if you find that you were always the one making the compromise, that wasn’t your forever relationship.
You deserve to be with someone who will happily compromise equally as often as you do.
6. They didn’t support your passions and dreams
When you talked about what you wanted from the future, was your partner encouraging? Supportive? Eager to listen and plan with you?
Or did they tell you what you wanted wasn’t possible? Did they laugh at your plans? Did their eyes glaze over with disinterest?
Your partner doesn’t have to understand your vision. They don’t have to be excited about what you want to achieve. But they should support you. They should get excited at your excitement. They should be willing to listen to your ideas and ask how they can best support you in achieving them.
And if they didn’t, they weren’t for you.
You deserve someone who supports you unconditionally and who gets excited about your excitement for the future.
I hope this has made you feel lighter and brought that fighter, strong, empowered energy back to you so you can focus on the amazing future you’re going to have instead of reminiscing about the past through rose tinted glasses.
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You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.
About Your Host
Rebecca Hawkes (you can call her Becka) is the host of The Date with Confidence Podcast, your go-to show if you’re tired of dating drama and ready to raise your standards without losing your mind (or your sense of humour).
After being blindsided by a breakup at 29, Becka turned her “WTF is happening with my life” moment into a journey of self-growth, self-worth, and a mission to help other 30-somethings stop settling. Now, she shares how to date with confidence, trust your intuition, and attract the kind of love that actually feels good.
Becka isn’t here for generic dating advice, she’s here to bring you the real, raw, and funny truths about modern dating. Expect practical tools, mindset shifts, and the occasional rant that’ll leave you feeling like you’ve just had wine with your best mate.
Want more? Sign up for her BTS with Becka newsletter here.
